So, almost 7.5 years ago I started my first blog. I can vividly remember being the first person I knew who was collectivly spreading their thoughts on the internet. I loved being able to hide behind the screen, and tell someone...anyone....my deepest darkest secrets. I loved not having to look people in the eye when I was telling hard truths. I loved the attention. I still do.
Over time my blog has become many things. Firstly, a place of inspiration for dancers. Secondly, a very public place for me to share a very public version of the relationship I thought I was in for years. Thirdly, a place to show my truest colors. It's been a Blogspot, a Myspace and a Buzznet but it's always felt the same for me. I've always felt a great deal of pride in my little internet space. I've always worked hard to be honest, real and somewhat humble. I've tried to teach lessons to not hate, judge and jump to conclusions. I've tried to encourage others to follow their dreams and to be good to their hearts (maybe the hardest things in the world.)
I've recieved many blessings from being a blogger. Mainly, I had enough people who liked what I wrote that I was able to sell a few books, I was able to do a small book tour, I was able to meet amazing friends who also had blogs and I've recieved 22 free tee-shirts.
I've had to deal with many things because of blogging, and sharing. More than my share of horrible words about me, a collection of photoshopped insults, a google history that I will totally regret once I have children. I've had death threats, hate tweets, love tweets, the best fan photos ever. I've had the general feeling that I am useless and uncool, the constant feeling that my entire being only exists to get a certain number of hits on a certain day, and that day is everyday and when that doesn't happen a total meltdown of disappointment in myself and my life.
I've posted a blog almost everyday for all of those years, I've had my heart broken,my heart filled and I've been able to find words and songs and images to represent all the things that I've felt. I've missed parties, movies and friends because I've been comitted to you, the you that I've never met. It's bizarre... I love you.
Over the years, a collection of tools to help us share on the internet have sprung up. Twitter, FB, instagram.
The sad thing is that somewhere along the lines I:
-Stopped having conversations with people, instead I say, "Omg! I have to tweet what you said" and stick my face in my phone.
-Began hating the way I actually look in real life, the me without a fancy Instagram filer that fades my imperfections.
-Stopped telling my real life friends things, instead I just update some random status.
-Writing in my journal.
-Calling my friends.
-Taking pictures because something is beautiful, or it's something I want to remember, I take photos so that I can share them. Nothing is sacred.
I think that life is about balance, I think that the reason you say yes to an amazing man when he asks you to marry him is so that you can wake up each morning in the warm embrace of love. I know that being addicted to your iPhone and choosing the style section of Huffington Post over the love of your life is a horrible mistake that tons of us make. I know that the best friendships I have are the ones that were cultivated in real time, with real talks, without the agressive need to create some memory that is memorable because of a photo or update. One time Christina used to come to NYC and sit in my window and we would talk for hours. One time I used to watch TV without my cell phone in my hand because I wanted to follow along to some hashtag. One time I used to write for hours and hours in journals. I don't know when all of that faded into the unbalanced life I currently lead.
Look, I love the internet. But, I'm an addict. I'm convinced that nothing is good unless 100 people "like" it. But the truth is that, likes and loves and tweet and followers- they are such small pieces of our human story. We are all trying and working so hard to live our story for everyone else to see that I don't feel like we are seeing what is directly in front of us anymore, or at least...I am not.
I've become addicted to being important, on the internet. I've become cold with jealousy of all of those who have more than me. I've become an unbalanced version of the person I am trying to inspire you all to be.
On Sunday, I am leaving to go see some of the world. I'm taking my Mom to Greece and Italy because she's been talking about going since I was 15,now I'm thirty, and everyone who you never think will get old, both my Mom and myself, do. Time is running out, I have to be present in my own life, I have to learn to spend equal amounts of time sharing and living. I have to balance out the richness I have in strangers comments and the richness I have in eye contact with my best friends, I have to go live.
I'm taking time away from all my socials for the entire month of July. You might see a few posts from The Insider, or random things that might find their way onto my timelines, but I'm turning off. I'm going to find my soul and my heart and my balance. It dones't mean I don't love you, it just means I love you enough to share with you a great lesson. No one is going to look back on their life and think, "man, I should have spent more time in my house alone photoshopping Miley Cyrus heads on wedding dresses."
I'm going to go take photos because the world is beautiful and I've spent so much of my life staring at the screen instead of the sunset.
I'll be back. Better, Stronger, With Vision....Inspired
and mostly, with Balance.
seeyouthen. bon voyage!