Sometimes when I begin writing blogs, my nose twitches, my eyes water, and I wish I could just talk and you would just hear me and typing wouldn't have to happen. This is one of those blogs, it's my thankful blog.
I'm constantly in utter awe and gratitude to the universe for making me fall through hell and back with my heart, only to end up with my fiancé. I spent the first year of our relationship trying to prove to everyone out there, that yes, I was in a relationship with someone other than the person you are STILL posting photos of with me on tumblr. I spent the month after our engagement afraid, pensive and unsure if I could even be a good wife and if I could even be good enough for him. I’ve spent the last months in awe of him. I think you have to deeply respect someone before you can love them, and I think you have to truly want to give your life over to someone else and I think it’s the scariest and most wonderful thing. I’ve never had more love in my heart, I’ve never cared about anyone in my entire life the way I care about my tiny little family, and I am constantly in awe that I get to spent my days, laughing, crying and being a total horrible bitch, then being the snuggliest human alive with someone who makes life so easy. I’ve learned that the best parts of this relationship do not belong in blogs,books, or tweets, they belong in my heart. I don’t know if Buzznet will exist when I am 80, or if the internet will blow us all up, but I feel happy that I have one constant in my life. Him.
I'm constantly thankful for the fact that my friend made me make a list of moonbeams this year that didn’t include great bangs. I am deeply in love with my job. I never thought I could even love anything after dance ended for me. I’m so happy after a few years of floating around thinking I might open a store, have a baby, write a screenplay, be a poet, that my new job found me.
Health. I am constantly thankful that I get more time with my Dad, and I am even more thankful that I got to spend a week with him while he was recovering from his stroke in the hospital, drinking Tim Hortons coffee and wheeling him around. Because, in those weeks, my entire life stopped. Nothing else mattered, my world was small, I was 16 again driving my moms car and listening to country music. I remembered where I came from, who I came from and what kind of human I am and want to be. I remembered why best friends are best friends. You can call them crying “my dad had a stroke” and they say “I’ll be at the airport” and they are there at 2 am with hugs and coffee and a drive home. We get so wrapped up in all of these things that do not matter and this moment in my year allowed me to pause, and reflect be born again.
I am really popular. I’m thankful for that. I never get invited to the “cool” parties, and Nylon Magazine won’t return my emails, so it’s clear that I am not that kind of popular. But, I am beyond thankful for my amazing group of friends. Truly, the ones that send me pinterest pins of funny wedding ideas, the ones who help me pick out shirts,talk about books and records and the ones who tell me I am awesome. Even more, the ones who tell me to calm down and that I am being stupid. I’m so thankful, I am trying everyday to be a better friend to people. I'm trying to love them back, because I am so loved. It’s lovely.
I’m thankful for you. I’m thankful to the amazing team at Buzznet that keep this blog running when I'm sending emails while stuck on set, or in my car. They work far harder than I do. I’m thankful that you didn’t give up on me when I stopped dating the guy in the band and have continued to read me, like me, and have continue to have the coolest ongoing internet conversation with me over the past years. I used to be happy if 1,000 people would visit my blog. I was happy when 10,000 people visited. Now we are in the hundreds of thousands and you come from all over the world. I feel like we are family. I hope that I continue to make you proud and inspire you. All I want and all I have ever wanted is for that person sitting in their room, thinking that they could never follow their dreams, to look at little me and know that it will not be easy, you might never reach the level you wish for, but you can truly be and do anything you want. Just know there is a place for you and it’s a great place.