Keltie Colleen's Blog
Dear 15 Year Old You,
This week you decided to eat only apples. You are 15 years old, wearing pink ballet tights and convinced that everything is wrong with you. The boys you go to school with have only recently discovered the beauty/delight that is the female breast. Your awesome run in with puberty has left you with the acne of 15 year old and all the glory of a 12 year old boy's body. I'd like to believe that at some point boys, and people in general stop judging everyone , and it doesn't matter how skinny you are, or that some idealistic version of the female body might become chic. It only get's worse...the airbrushing, the Hollywood girls...The same force that made you think that you were such a disgusting human, the one that made you eat only one golden delicious every day this week, will always be there.
You will never be skinny enough. Your hair will never be shiny enough. I hope that you learn to stop this path you are on. You are going to spend everyday for the next 15 years striving to reach some sort of perfection that doesn't even exist. You will waste all your youthful beauty, that you cannot even see right now. Then you will be older and skinnier than you have ever been, and you will realize that none of those things actually make you happy. That there were so many more important things to chase...
No one looks back on their 30th birthday and says, "Gosh, I wish I would have hated myself more."
I am slowly learning how everything happens for a reason.
I sat that night, with you, inside your various stages of heartbreak and me in my various states of happiness. I couldn’t help but feel so sad for you, because there is something generically inside me to want to save you every time you fall. Instead of saving you all this time, I sat back, alone for years, wondering how it was possible for you to love me, and then love her. We were nothing alike. I watched you be perfect, looked for flaws so that I could be sure that you were not as perfect as your were pretending, somehow that made me feel better. I hated your perfection. I hate all perfection. Everyone looks so dammed perfect from the outside. It’s never perfect is it? But it APPEARs that way, so the rest of us run around wondering why we are not perfect like you. I was never perfect. She was. I hated her perfection. I didn't even know her.
I truly believe that you never “get over” someone. I never got over it. I just learned to live with the way things were not, and made good friends with that dull ache in my soul, where we used to exist. When I wished you well, I meant that I wish you would find slightly less happiness with her than you did with me. Because, somehow that was going to make me feel better. Like my love was worth something more than it was. i only wanted you to be well when I was well also, then I wouldn't feel so lonely.
I ran around town, pranced in front of the world, shouted from the rooftop trying to replace you. Trying to match your perfect with some perfect of my own. I never could.
I pulled over on the side of the road that night, so over come with emotion...because I had been waiting to say the truth for so long, and I finally had.
I never got over you.
I’ve missed you everyday.
I just learned to live with it.
I don’t wish things were different at all
but finally, in my own happiness and contentment
I could say
I wish you the best.
I could send you my love
and not expect you to return it
and mean it.
and I did.
3 hours later my match asked me to marry him.
I cannot help but feel like the universe was waiting for me to tell you these things before it would let me say yes. I fucking love the universe for that. How it bends and works in all these magical ways that we never see. How it rewards honesty. How the universe will kick your ass and withhold happiness from you for so long, just so you do the right thing, and the right thing always involves being honest.
So stop asking yourself "when will I get over him?" you won't.
You just learn to be okay with that.
Dear 2012 version of you,
First, give yourself big hug. You made it to a brand new year. Step away from that mirror, take a look back. Look at yourself. You are perfection. You are such an amazing version of human. You are strong, powerful and smart. You can do anything you want to do. Try not to hate people because they couldn't love you the way you loved them. Don't become a victim of your own life because your parents split, you best friend stopped calling, or some stranger on the internet called you fat, ugly or stupid. Stop concerning yourself with things that are out of your control. Have a giant break down, cry yourself to sleep. punch the wall, the pillow or the air. Let those tears be a rainshower for your heart, and move on. Don't hold onto the stuff that hurts because you think it's all your deserve, or that without that melancholy you will forget. Leave the past in 2011 where it belongs. You learned from it, and now it needs to go away. Stop taking your family forgranted. Stop taking your blessings forgranted. Stop taking your talents, education, freedom, food, safety forgranted. Stop taking your friends forgranted. Stop taking your friends forgranted. Live for yourself. LIVE. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Learn how to heal your heart. Learn how to give your heart away. Figure out what it is like to really unselfishly love someone and then figure out how to love yourself. Create something wonderful. Figure out the things you would do if no one needed a job, and then do that as a job. Please let go of all the doom and things wrong with your life, and just live. Create the life you want, fight tooth and nail until all your dreams are realized. Don't give up or think that you do not deserve the most extraordinary life, you do.
No one ever sat back at the end of the year and said, I wished I had spent more time on the internet reading hateful comments about myself, or I wish I had given up on myself more.
I believe in you!
Ps. Make sure to go over to my Facebook page and sign up for the FREE CHAPTER of my audiobook, and my magical moonbeam email list. More blogs like this will come to you randomly throughout the months and I think you will really like it.
I got this sweet email:
Keltie! I love you and your book, and your besty cp. I tried to email you a while back but i dont think it got through. I am in love with a boy, well I have been for a few years now. I have'nt told him because our families hang out. If he didnt feel the same, then it would be really awkward. I'm also not quite sure if he is the best either, when we text (which is rare)he only gives one word answers and I have to keep the conversation going. He also never really opens up. I'm not sure why but I love that boy, and I'm not sure if I should say anything. Please help me Keltie! My heart is tearing inside.
Well. I am pretty sure there isn't a person alive who hasn't experienced this at one point. You really like someone, and deciphering if they like you back is like pulling teeth. There are two possible scenarios.
#1- He likes you and is totally insecure and has no idea how to act around you. Funny enough, sometimes strong, confident people can actually scare away the object of our affection. There have been times that I have been crushing on someone so hard that I couldn't speak or look them in the eye, maybe this is what's happening with this guy?
#2- He is trying to give you a hint that you are not taking. He won't speak to you, gives one word answers, and he never opens up. To me this might mean that he actually cannot stand you.
So what should you do. I think so many times in relationships we worry so much about what the other person thinks. We don't want to say something because it might change their mind about us. Listen up, loverbabes! If someone likes you, they like you. Nothing you can say will change that. If they are not feeling your super radical self, then it doesn't matter if you wear their favorite color or cook them their favorite cookies...the love vibe is not there.
So, I always say, be selfish in your emotions. Say whatever it is that you need to say to him, to make your own heart feel better. If not knowing is killing you, then ask him. If the fear of rejection is killing you, then walk away and forget him before you get rejected. You cannot contol anyone elses feelings but your own, so do what you want in your own heart, and if it doesn't work out with him, I have no doubt that at some point someone is going to be crazytown for your awesomeness!!!
Keep us all posted.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What advice would you give her?
I received this email from a sweet girl:
I live in Alabama with my Dad. I dont even want to get into the situation with my Mom. I work at Wal-Mart and I have been attending college for two years. And I don’t think I ever felt like I belonged anywhere. I only went to school because my Dad said that I should, I’m really not interested at all in what I’m studying. And I am desperate to get out of Alabama. What I really want to do with my life is music. I always wanted to be a musician, well a singer mostly. But I never really knew if I had the chops. I’ve been writing songs since I was sixteen, but it’s always been a secret. I’ve never told anyone about my dreams. My family is very negative and tough. They love to cut people down and usually say the worst things that can really break your heart. I would open up to my sister but every time I tell her something personal she finds the words that hurt me the most. So I got tired of trying to be open and honest just to be torn down and beaten up for it. Right now no one knows that I have stopped school. They know that I am thinking about changing schools, but that’s it. I just got back from a trip to California to see The Cab, and for some reason it felt right to be there. I was comfortable. Mostly I just want to find a place where I belong. I feel lost and have been for a long time. I mostly mastered the act of hiding my feelings and acting the part of being happy. But I haven’t been for a while. I know that I should be honesty and follow my heart and my dreams and not care what anyone says. It’s just that I know what if I do; there is a chance I will lose the people around me. Or I will end up hearing from the people closest to me tell me my deepest fears. That I’m not good enough, that I don’t have a chance. I know that I’m rambling on and you probably don’t want to hear all of my problems, but I always believed that it’s easier to open up to a stranger than to someone you know. By the way, I love your book. Your story was so inspiring to me. I love the way you are unafraid and jump into everything with your whole heart. And I admire the way you are able to pick yourself up and survive even after your heart is shattered.
And here is my advice:
DO NOT QUIT SCHOOL. get back in there ASAP, in Alabama, in Cali, wherever. Working at Wal-mart is cute at 20 but this in your one and only life + I Know that if you are this compassionate and eloquent, that you deserve a career much better than being 60 years old and working at Wal-Mart.
Get a degree in Business, WHY? because your passion is music. Music is a business, even Taylor Swift has to understand the business of the show. If you love songwriting and music, have you ever thought of working at a record label? Maybe even working for a publishing company like Warner-Chapel or EMI. You could be working with songwriters as a job, and then maybe one day one of your songs could make it! Swoon was an intern at Epic Records when he was in college, and although he had no idea where he would end up, 10 years later he is a big ol' music manager with some pretty notable cleints. Our life is super fun and it changes everyday. You could also go into PR for artists, be a tour manager, be a personal manager, be a business manager.
My point is this, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. You cannot allow yourself to be a victim inside your own life. Mom's, Dad's jerk brothers, family issues, EVERYONE has them, you have to rise above, be a little selfish, and forget what others tell you. You AND ONLY you, get to create the life you want. Don't wait. Don't give up. Start today.
As someone who has lived in 6 different cities and 9 different houses in 10 years, I know that no matter where you run to, you will never get away from holding yourself back, so GET UP AND GET GOING....
and keep me posted. xx.
This morning was an interesting morning, that started with a phonecall from the FBI.
Back in my early 20's I was with someone who has now ended up working for the FBI. I guess they needed to do a security clearance for him, and I was forced to answer an hour of questions about us, our time together and everything about it was horrible and awkward.
What was the reason you ended your relationship?
I've been dumped many times, I've walked way from a handful of relationships, and this was one of them. But I found it impossible to "sum up" what made me walk away from a 3 year long relationship, after having invested so much. So, what causes the end of love? How can you love someone SO much, be planning a life with them and then somehow figure out that you were utterly and completely wrong about your OWN feelings. I have a hard enough time trusting other people, so you can imagine what a mind-screw it is so attempt to trust my own feelings.
When does the begining of an end start? Is it the first time you look at someone and realize your "honeymoon phase" goggles have fallen off, and they are just a human with flaws? Or it is that first fight, the one where someone says something they don't mean and everytime you look at that person all you can hear are those awful words? How someone starts on a perfect pedestal and over time they break down over and over again, until they are just a normal human level full of flaws and mistakes. How you wanted them to never be like you, all flawed and imperfect because you wanted to finally have something that made you better and special.
I really will never understand how perfect things fail to stay perfect, and why when people say they will love eachother forever but they never really do.
I couldn't really explain when I knew that it was over, but I remember being so thrilled that I had been asked to be a Rockette, and the words that came out of his mouth were, a warning, instead of a celebration. "So, you are just going to leave me, for 4 months, to go do some dance show?" and in that moment I knew I loved me more than I was ever going to love him. And, I left.
So here I am. In the middle of what I think might be my forever. I jump around giddy with the thought all day long, and then totally hate myself for believing that anything this good could last. Forever's will always be so confusing because, we are all liars. We have all given someone our forever, and then taken it away again.
Le Sigh. Forever.
A got a sweet message in my tumblr ask box last night, and I couldn’t think of a better topic for some writing.
“Hi Keltie, I don't exactly know why I'm writing this to you but its late at night and I can't sleep and as usual I have all these annoying thoughts going through my head. I guess if anyone knew that feeling it would be you. Have you ever just lay in bed and though to yourself "You know I really just want to move away to the otherside of the world, start over again, find something to do with my life and find people that understand me" ? Lately its all I can do NOT to think about it. Help?”
We have all been there. You get to a point where the world is crashing down, and you just want to escape, and start over. I hate this place. For me, it happens alot when the best of intentions, get somehow manipulated into some sort of epic disaster. You think, well, I was TRYING to do something good, and then the whole world blew up, so if when I try to be good this happens- then WTF is the point of even trying?
So, what is the point of trying?
The point of trying is that, everyone else is gonna give up with the hit that “fight or flight” roadblock. All of the other people trying to make it in this world, will hit this wall, and be content with just running and being a sub-par fearful human their entire lives. I know you do not want to be that person.
The magical things in my life have always been right over the hill. Right behind the epic disaster. The broken friendship, the break-up, the lost job, the fight. I swear. If you handle things with caution and compassion, eventually, the dark turns light.
SO, take those arms of yours and give yourself a big ass hug right now, and then get up and figure out the steps to make whatever is eating you alive, go away.
Keep going! The answer to everything is to be honest to yourself about what the real issue is and to not expect anyone to fix it for you!
ps. If you enjoy blogs like this you will want to sign up on my facebook page for your FREE CHAPTER of my audiobook + my “list” every 3 or 4 days I am sending out ultra exclusive email only blogs, videos, quotes and moonbeams right into your inbox + I would love for you to be a part of it!
Here is the link to your FREE CHAPTER!
Here are the links to purchase my full book :
ITUNES (you can also read this on your iphone if you download the ibooks app)
Today is a really proud day. I am releasing the 2nd edition of my book Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom digitally.
Here is the trailer for the book.
To make a long story short, this year in the middle of being uber confused over tv shows and how the publishing world works, someone suggested that I make RRR longer. I fought tooth and nail because I really loved the length, and I felt like the stuff I skipped over was skipped over for a reason. It read like a Perks, because you could lay on the couch and read it in a few hours. That is the kind of book our generation can get into.
Anyways, I started reading the fanmail from people who had read the book the #1 thing people said, is that they wanted to know more about the DANCING. So, In addition to a few new boy stories, there are over 50,000 new words telling stories about life, love and DANCE. More me, less them. More rejection, rehearsals, Rockettes, and of course some escape plans.
I really hope you enjoy the second version, and please know that I am hard at work at my third (ALL NEW) book that I am hoping to offer this spring. Some more good news, SOON, RRR 2.0 will be an audiobook and right now you can go to my FACEBOOK page to get a FREE download of one of my favorite chapters. The cool thing is that I recorded ME reading it, so it is just like I am sitting in your bedroom, or car, and reading to you. super radical.
Also, I would love it if you purchase, or have purchased RRR in the past to visit amazon or itunes and leave a review. It doesn't even have to be long, but in order to move farther up the bestsellers list and compete with all those big publishing house books and HOPEFULLY gain some TV momentum, I need to appear on the radar for these lists.
And, as always, there is a moral of the story. The moral is this...anything you want to do in life, whatever it is that you are passionate about, is yours! I am by no means a proper writer. No one gave me permission to write a book, or to call myself a writer. I just loved books, took some time to write and now get to add "Author" to my list of slashes. This is YOUR friendly keltie reminder that, all of your dreams can come true too. You just have to get the courage and go for it. Never wait for someone to place it all in your lap, it simply will never happen.
Here are the links to purchase my book :
ITUNES (you can also read this on your iphone if you download the ibooks app)
and here is the link to your FREE CHAPTER!
In the past year I have started and stopped 4 new books. One of them I began was a book called "I just googled what to do with my life" I am still working on it. I thought you might enjoy an excerpt today...
I just googled “What am I supposed to do with my life?”.
I'm not even sure what my dreams are anymore? I am seriously questioning if I ever loved dancing-I think I might have just been in love with the music I got to dance to. I loved writing until I realized that most of the time people just want you to write for free, and that writing is actually a hobby. Like doing crafts, or going for bike rides.
I had known from a very young age what I wanted to be when I grew up. In 5th grade I can vividly remember spending an entire week in health class filling out paperwork and using my number 10 lead pencil to make teenie-tiny dash marks on a reciept shaped paper. I answered questions like “do you prefer to work alone or in groups?” my choices were some of the time, all of the time or never. Next question, “I enjoy problem solving” some of the time, always, never. I was deeply convinced that at the end of all of these questions that my teacher would wisk my paper away and run it through that insane automatic marking machine in the office and would come back and announce to not only me, but to my entire 5th grade class that while Andy was most suited to being a firefighter and Jill was going to be a nurse, that this test had proved without a doubt that the only job meant for me was, superstar.
Over my years growing up my intention to my future calling never got any better. In 11th grade when I was failing algebra and had to get a twice a week math tutor, I announced at the top of my lungs to my entire class, that math was stupid and that I was never going to need to use the pythagoram therom because when I was a star I would just hire someone to use the pythagram therom for me, if I ever needed it, which I wouldn’t because no one actually uses the pythagorean theorem.
So, I never made a back up plan. Back up plans were for people who were going to fail. Back up plans were for people who were not going to be stars. Back up plans were for people who in the deepest part of there guts, hiding in a teenie tiny little corner was the littlest hint of doubt that they had what it took to make it. I had no doubt. I had no back up plan. I was going to be a star.
Fast forward. In 6 months I will turn 30. I am alternating acne cream and wrinkle cream nightly. I found my first grey hair. I’ve had botox. I am driving a 1999 black honda crv. I rent. I don’t have health insurance. I don’t have a real career. I don’t have a college degree. I don’t have a back up plan.
Last night I googled “what am I supposed to do with my life?”
The first thing that comes up when I asked google what to do with my life was a online survey that promised to help me discover my life purpose in just 20 minutes. I had spent most of the weekend laying in my bed alternating between eating ruffles potato chips and diet coke convinced that I would never find my calling in life, and now in just 20 minutes I was going to have it all figured out. Why hadn’t I thought to google this all along!
I started reading and was instantly confused...
“How do you discover your real purpose in life? I’m not talking about your job, your daily responsibilities, or even your long-term goals. I mean the real reason why you’re here at all — the very reason you exist.”
Honestly, I’ve watched enough si-fi movies to come to the conclusion that we are alll on earth because of some giant rock/sun collision and some other things happened and that aliens, other life with weird facial features and time traveling all exist. I really don't care about why the world turns. I wake up. there is light. I go to sleep. There is a moon. Things grow. I eat things that grow. When there are clouds sometimes it rains. I know all of this happens, but I don't really care why. I think many people might be with me when I say I want to know what to do with my life, I actually mean MY JOB, MY RESPONSIBILITES AND MY LONG TERM GOALS. Hey hippies! its fine and dandy to think that life “isn’t about those things” but I have a cell phone bill and a landlord who would beg to differ. This isn’t looking good. 18 minutes left.
Next is a story about Bruce Lee. I always had an inkling that kung-fo had something to do with my life but I never knew why. Was I meant to be a kung-fu master?
“Here’s a story about Bruce Lee which sets the stage for this little exercise. A master martial artist asked Bruce to teach him everything Bruce knew about martial arts. Bruce held up two cups, both filled with liquid. “The first cup,” said Bruce, “represents all of your knowledge about martial arts. The second cup represents all of my knowledge about martial arts. If you want to fill your cup with my knowledge, you must first empty your cup of your knowledge.”
First of all, I have no idea what this means.
Second of all, the only thing I want to fill my cup with is white wine.
If you want to discover your true purpose in life, you must first empty your mind of all the false purposes you’ve been taught (including the idea that you may have no purpose at all).
Okay. A little homework I like that. I have to empty my mind of all the false purposes I have been taught.
I begin to construct the false purposes I have been taught:
-to be a star.
-to wear short skirts and have construction workers cat call at me.
-to be the best and the prettiest.
-to make tons of money for just being myself.
-to walk down red carpets
-to have a giant house with an infinity pool.
-to have 100,000 twitter followers.
They give me directions:
Here’s what to do:
1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.
I take out my paper.
WHAT IS MY TRUE PURPOSE IN LIFE:
to be a dog walker
to be a waitress
to be ...
I sat for 55 minutes. I tried really hard. I thought of all of the things I could do with my life that might work with my skill set. None of them made me cry, except the realization that I couldn’t write down to be a star.
Once upon a time I was a girl who had no heartbeats and I fell into some semblance of a relationship with a dancer guy in my cast. I was a mess of a human back then. I drank too much. Felt too much, and most definitely cried too much. The dancer fellow was like a home for me. He was the sweetest, most caring, wonderful human ever. It’s very typical of the universe to give us one of these people after someone of the the exact opposite personality has ripped our insides out. The NICE guy, he just comes along, offering the world, and there is no chance that you are ever going to see how amazing he is.
I didn’t. Maybe the same way that others never realized what a catch I was, because I was too nice.
Anyways, I saw that dancer fellow tonight at a party and my mind was healthy enough to realize that he’s radical, he smelled like Las Vegas, he looked like the icon for the most creative time in my life. I miss that me. In turn, I felt myself missing him.
And I guess that is where we humans get fucked up, I am making no secret that I am doing my very best to not move to Greenland these days, and somehow we never want the things we can have. I spent an hour at this party tonight, wishing I was in his living room, dancing to Matt Nathanson again, healing my broken heart and filling up all of my emptiness with late night conversations with him. Why on earth would I ever want to go back to that time in my life? It makes no sense, But, it also makes no sense as to why, when he hugged me goodbye, I hugged him back twice as hard. And I made a choice, I made a choice not to say I miss you. I chose instead to be the person I could never be when I was with him, and being totally aware of what a perfect mate I have, and honor that fact.
Because relationships, at the start are all flowers and butterflies, but when that all fades, they are choices. You have to wake up every morning and chose to love the person you love. Love doesn’t just land on your lap to enjoy. You have to choose everyday, to not fuck it up with other people who smell like home, or say sweet things. You have to be that person who makes the right choice.
I don’t think you can choose what stays and what fades away, but I do think we get to choose our reactions to it all.
I don’t think I will ever be in a room with a rocker, dreamer or dancer where some sort of memory of the “us” invades my thoughts. Whenever I look into their eyes, pieces of my heart that I have closed off open up. I could kiss them all. I could love them again if they asked me. I could go around and around in circles with pasts and drama and hearts for another 20 years and still be wanting it all and nothing at the same time.
But I would rather, walk away. I am growing up and learning new skills. I am learning how to love someone, for real. Albie once said to me, its ok to believe the good stuff, but then you have to believe the bad stuff too. And he is right, if you want your fairytale, you better believe that it isn’t always going to be glitter and showtunes.
And so yes, there are pieces of my heart that are still broken, there are conversations I have in my head that will never be spoken, there are fragments of hatred and disappointment that a good heart cannot fix. The good guys will always lose and your name will always fuck me up.
But I would rather have your name fuck me up,
and his everything love me,
then ever let you hurt me again.