Keltie Knight's Blog
That night we ate magical things that we supposed to free our minds in to forgetting for just one night that we are tiny fragile beings with perish dates stamped on our forheads and after years of searching through science and humanity none of the answers that might actually make it a little easier to sleep at night.
It was just me and him and a hot summer in a house without furniture and cable. In the aftermath of death someone had come to collect all the evidence of life and had left only plates, a water jug and a single tree growing in the corner. As if by removing the evidence of life, you could remove the memory of it. We ate magical moonbeams that opened our minds, the only problem was that they were still our minds and when you opened them up the insides were not as pretty as we wished. The opening of ones mind, especially a troubled mind can be plenty dangerous.
It's amazing the things that greet us everyday and every night that we stop taking notice of. We take forgranted the sun rising, we forget to look up, to look out or to even taste our food. That night, with my newly opened mind, I became best friends with the man in the moon, I stared for hours at him, at his soul and i could almost count the inches between little tiny fragile me and the pull of the moon. Ive always liked the moon better, it's like the unpopular sidekick to the sun, the underdog...alot like me.
He sat on the concrete strumming the same 4 chords incessantly on the guitar over and over again, as if he knew what i already knew. If he stopped playing he would start thinking. We opened our brains and my brain was filled with wonderment and wanderlust and his brain was filled with missing pieces and missing persons, he stopped strumming
"You know, I couldn't ever write a song that was pretty enough to explain you."
And I looked at the moon, and at him, and at his stained t shirt and greasy hair and crooked toes. Outside a house with no furniture, no love and a closet full of his father's shoes, but no father. I knew he was right., everything that was his was ugly. I was unremarkable, a imperfect girl, but next to him, I was golden.
"But you should still try"
Because thats all I could give him, hope. I didn't have money, any power and deep words of wisdom. I could share with him my hope, hope that people find the other people they need to fill the holes people leave. The hope that we have more sunrises left in our life, the hope that beautiful things and beautiful loves exist, the hope that if he would just stop looking at the ground. He would see that the world wasn't out to get him- it just felt that way.
He put down his guitar and I stopped looking at the moon, we sat there long enough for our minds to expand. I saw little men dancing on the fence posts and stars so close I put some in my pocket for later.
By the time I looked up at him his eyes were wide.
they are all over me"
And he cries, because when he opened his mind the thoughts became bugs and the bugs began to crawl on his skin, bugs that you couldn't get off you. They entulfed his body and he sat perfectly still, staring at me in shock, tears streaming down his face.
And, oh I wanted to. I wanted the night to end, so that he could see it wasn't real, that nothing was out to get him and that he was more than the dark places inside him. That nothing was out to get him.
But, it wasn't true.
So remember that time I went to the EXACT spot where Summer + Tom went in 500 Days Of Summer just so I could sit where one of my favorite indie movies of all time was shot....or the time when I lived in NYC that I would walk to the tiny movie theatre in the LES to go see ONCE everynight by myself because I loved it so much, when it was just a little indie baby movie? Remember my blog about the indie called "Skateland" that had my heart all last summer....basically, I love indie flicks. I love the grainy film, I love the soundtracks....and now I am auditioning to be in ONE! (but you can too....) I found this cool little movie "The Beauty Inside" on Facebook and I had to share with you because I know I have tons of aspiring performers following along on my blog!
Basically, the story is about this character named Alex who wakes up everyday in a new body. We are auditioning to play on of the "Alex's" and all you have to do is create a video journal with your own "Alex" story and then send it in (all the directions are on the facebook) I used one of my own stories from a trip to Thailand but signed off using the signature "Alex" sign off....pretty cool!
Check out my video and I think you should all go an audition.... yay!
Many moons ago for extra cash, I was a shoe model for Steve Madden! How funny is that? I actually have the perfect size 6 foot! But look at me now! This year I have been invited as a guest to the LAZR tradeshow with Hannabeth and Dani on August 13th at L.A Live! I'm going to go nuts blogging about it and trying on all the shoes at this huge event!
Tickets are only $10 to browse exclusive pop up shops from amazing shoe brands.
Buy Tickets HERE!
Last night I had the most fun ever with swoonster on date night. We were invited to go play at the Sleeping Dogs Release Party. I was so excited because Chaser Brand had just sent me a huge box of new tee-shirts + I loved the color of this blue one, with my left over Italy tan. I paired it with this peach skirt from my Sugar and Bruno Collection and my fav nude booties. Swoon + I went out for sushi + then headed to the party. I was so happy to hang out with Kate and her adorable boyfriend, and ran into Hannabeth and Ivey, and then Swoon took photos of us, but they were the worst photos ever because he is many things but NOT a good photog. Next, Dani showed up with Paul and she was wearing the coolest leggings EVER. I also saw Audrina from The Hills, which was weird because, I had just interviewed Ryan Cabrera this week, and it was all kinds of funny. Audrina was the skinnest person I have ever met, so even after a fun, late night of playing video games and doing the stanky leg I got up and went to "skinny jeans bootcamp" this am. Wow. It was so hard, I thought I was going to pass out.
Anyways, wanted to share this cute photos from Getty Images last night. It was so fun! Do you like my braless and flawless look from last night?
So basically, William Beckett came over to The Insider, and I interviewed him + then I shoved this in his face, I am pretty sure the Rubix Cube is the new guitar. When did being a nerd become so hot?! William talked about his second EP Walk The Talk , and leaving The Academy Is and about how awesome and amazing I was...Can you believe that we had never met before in real life before this interview? I know so crazy since we ran in the same circle for so many years!
What is your favorite William Beckett song? I personally love "Oh! Love" the most and sing it daily in my car.
Yowzer. I did it for you little fangirls... enjoy the video!
My journey speaking with Dr. Taylor is a long one. I want to get to the good stuff as soon as possible, but i want to explain how it all started. It started with Oprah radio, continued to sushi convos with Jac + Nicole, a TED talk and finally me staying up late every night for the last 2 weeks crying, laughing and breathing in the epicness that is Dr. Taylor, and her book, A STROKE OF INSIGHT. Basically, Dr. Taylor suffered a massive stroke, but because she is a brain doctor she knew what was happening. Her entire brain turned off and lost the categorizing, organizing, describing, judging and critically analyzing skills of her left brain, along with its language centers and thus ego center, Jill’s consciousness shifted away from normal reality. In the absence of her left brain’s neural circuitry, her consciousness shifted into present moment thinking whereby she experienced herself “at one with the universe.” I mean, that's sort of amazing right?
Honestly, my love of this story comes from being afraid to die. I have conflicted views of heaven. I have struggled my entire life to "create" something for myself, and now at 30 am begining to look back and feeling like, I haven't even begun to live, yet. I am, in fact, so afraid to die, I have never ridden a rollarcoaster. I tremble anytime I have to take a flight. I've been practicing my wedding vows because the "death do us part" turns my mind into a weeping mess of a lost human.
I was raised in a mixed religion home, my mom, a Buddhist who convinced me my energy would come back as sunsets and ladybugs, my father, a Catholic, who surrounded me with pictures of pearly gates and heaven. Now, I am marrying into a strong Christian family. It's hard to not be afraid because the stories are so different. It's hard to believe that humans can go to heaven, but not dogs, when dogs are the most wonderful, loyal creatures out there.
In short, Dr. Taylors book rocked my soul, completely changed the way I view my time on earth, and created a very safe place for my soul to exist knowing that at the end of THIS life, yes! my brain will die, and with that my memories of my life with Chris, my personal ego of "Keltie" and all that I lived in this life. it's proven that I would need a functioning brain to remember and "be" me. But, what is "me?" Dr. Taylors booked made me truly feel like an infinite being. My energy and my soul will continue to be in this world, forever. I feel very lucky to have the time that I have on this earth, and I've never felt more gratious, thankful. I've made a personal vow to stop creating a life and start living a life.
Below are the questions Dr. Taylor was so lovely to answer. Her answers will rock your core. I hope this bring mindfulness and love to each of you today.
I hope you enjoy this interview. xx
1. If there is one thing that you could tell every single young person in the world, who is figuring out their life path and their personal road to happiness, what would that be? -KC
DT- We each have two very distinctive, if not even opposite, personalities. One part of us may be judgmental while at the same time our other part is very open minded and curious. Another part of us may be very logical and intellectual while another part is sensitive and compassionate. We have these opposite experiences because the two hemispheres making up our brain process information in different ways. The better we get to know these two characters inside ourselves the more free we become to choose how we want to be in the world. The better we know ourselves, the more options we have in how we live our lives.
2. There is so much on our plates as people, and in your book, you speak about having lost your sense of the past and the future during your stroke. Do you think it's possible for someone like me, to be as present in my own life, as you were and have become? I find it lovely in theory, but with the pressure of work, and relationships and family, I sometimes find it very difficult to stay mindful.
You find it difficult to stay mindful and aware of the present moment because your left brain is taking care of the details that make your life so you can earn enough income to gain the possessions you want so you can feel like a successful person. That's all your left brain character at work and she is dominating your mind. Your right brain is not attached to any of those details but rather she is attached to this present moment experience. Your right brain character comes out when you take a moment to pause and patiently look in your grandmother's eyes to tell her you love her, or you dive into a lake while giggling with glee. Our right brains are always right here, right now, perfect and full - but our left brain runs off with our minds often hijacking us into pain from the past or into our fears of the future.
3.My mother sent me my baby-book for my thirtieth birthday this year, and in it she wrote many times "that I was born that way..." With all that you know about the brain, do you think people are born angry, happy, a serial killer, a hippie, or depressed? Or do you believe our brains a set to be a certain way, or is everything we are, learned?
I think we are born with cells making up our cortex and most of those cells are not yet wired together. A lot of wiring will happen during our first three years and the specifics of this wiring is influenced by both our genetics and by our experience - both nature and nurture play a role. Our brain connections and circuits continue to grow throughout our lives. Right now as you are reading these words, new connections and thought patterns are being established in your brain and the more you think about something then the more that circuitry runs automatically on it's own and ultimately we become defined by the thoughts we think and the behaviors we engage in.
4. We talk alot about relationships on my blog. So this one is for all the broken hearted girls... Why when you have your heartbroken, and you KNOW that this person is toxic to your life, does your brain insist on dreaming about them every night for weeks?! I wish that our brains were smarter sometimes!
I love this question and it perfectly follows the last one. When we spend a lot of time thinking and remembering and focusing on someone then the more powerful that circuitry becomes inside our brain, and the better we are at doing this then the harder it is to stop that circuitry from running after the relationship has ended. If you are really good at rerunning your relationship while it is going on and you are really good at focusing on not only the details but the big picture then the harder it is to turn that off and the circuitry replays itself in our dreams.
5. I recently lost my grandma, after she suffered a stroke. She lost her ability to tell time. She would say "you know, it can be Wednesday, and then sometimes you get another Wednesday, it doesn't happen often..." right before she died she told my brother a story "I was down at the lake, and Jesus was there, and we was supposed to bring his friends, but they couldn't come, but he said they would come next time." It was one of the most peaceful moments in her struggle. Do you believe in the "white light" or do you believe our brain gives us what we need to feel peaceful in our last days?
I believe interesting things happen when the brain cells start to shut down and shift toward the experience of death. When death happens our left brains shut down in their ability to process the information of the external world so that we can make sense of - and keep track of the information around us. We forget people, names, experiences, details. When that happens we shift more into the right brain experience which is the big picture. I don't have the answer to what happens after death occurs, but I do believe we need a functional brain to have the experience that we have.
6. I was moved to huge weeping gasp sobs when I read this section of your book:
"...I am part of a great structure- an eternal flow of energy and molecules from which I cannot be separated. Knowing that I am part of the cosmic flow make me feel innately safe and experience my life as heaven on earth. How can I feel vulnerable when I cannot be separated from the greater whole? My left mind thinks of me as a fragile individual capable of losing my life. My right mind realizes that the essence of my being has eternal life. Although I may lose these cells and my ability to perceive this three- dimensional world, my energy will merely absorb back into the tranquil sea of euphoria. Knowing this leaves me grateful for the time I have here as well enthusiastically committed to the well-being of the cells that constitute my life."
In just a few sentences you took away my fear of death, because all along I believe humanity has sort of being waiting for someone to tell us what happens when we die. This made sense to me. We really are infinite. People say that when a human dies that 21 grams is lifted from their weight. Do you believe in a soul? Do you believe that or souls can go to heaven? Or that something else exists for our being after we leave our earthly cells?
I believe there is a shift and a release. The cells work together, billions at a time, in order for me to create my perception of reality. It is because of that circuitry that I know my name, that I can speak to you or even know what a mother is. Without those cells, I believe, I cannot process any of that information. So I don't believe that I continue to exist with this consciousness when I don't have the cells to support those functions. However, there then is the question of whether or not consciousness exists beyond these cells and if so then do I simply dissolve back into that all knowingness or how does it work? Since I did not die, I do not have a real opinion about this, but I will say that this experience with stroke and the loss of my left brain took away all my fear of death and it left me grateful that I was still in this form capable of experiencing life - for at least a while longer.
I am so thrilled, excited, and dying with happiness that my darling friend Emily Loftiss helped me gain a spot on superstar dancer/choreographer Joshua Horner's newest venture. Why? Because it's freaking radical. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Get into it!
Basically. You know how you spend 500 hours a week watching everyone's competition solos and duets, or class solos and judging them...well, basically I get to do that now, for real!
You can easily find out if you are the best in the state, country or WORLD with simply uploading your solo to the site. The competition ends Oct. 31st so you should start uploading NOW! There are amazing sponsors and prizes and I just think this is the coolest thing ever.
Check it out online HERE!
Here is a sexy little video of Emily + Josh talking about Dance Upon A Dream (warning: Josh is an Aussie and is accent is darling.)
It's the begining of a new month.
I had a pretty incredible month. I got to spend time with my mom in Italy and Greece. I was a part of an incredible fundraising effort with To Write Love On Her Arms. I enjoyed an amazing dinner with Christina + team CP celebrating 2 years since that magical night at SYTYCD. Swoon + I set a wedding date + hired our wedding planner. I was lucky enough to film a “Story Of” video with TWLOHA. I was also lucky enough to be asked to attend two screen-tests for my dream job + receive some pretty cool feedback. It was a really full month for me, but in essence I took some serious time away from the internet. It might have felt that way to you, but I would say I cut down my internet usage by almost 75%. I posted some old blogs while I was away. I pre-cut all my insider music interviews. I had pretty close to what a month off might feel like. Except, all the things I mentioned above....
I learned many things in my shut off mode.
I wanted to share some of those things:
-I learned that it really stinks to watch your parents get old, and that the true test of compassion and love is becoming a parent for your own parents.
-I learned that not everything that comes to my mind is deserving of a tweet/blog. It’s important to edit my own mind.
-I learned that creativity and passion cannot be created in a mind that is bogged down and stressed.
-I learned that I tend to take advantage of the most important people in my life.
-I learned what love really means, and it means, that life, as fabulous as it can get is nothing without that other person.
-I learned that the greatest thing you can do for another person is that thing that they can never pay you back for.
-I learned that things will never happen when you want or need them to happen but if you keep working hard, are a good person, and an expert at your craft then things WiLL happen.
-I learned that i’ll always feel better about myself when I eat properly and exercise. Eating properly and exercising are always hard to to, but always worth it.
-I learned that smiles always disarm people. That the easiest thing to do is to smile.
-I learned that we rarely take the time to thank the people around us who help us.
What did you guys learn this month?
I'm pretty pumped about the new Oxygen reality series based on Travis Wall + his dance company. It's been really interesting to watch the continuation of how big dance and dancers have become in our culture. This show is a step away from what I did as a professional, but really close to my favorite kind of heartbreaking, soul changing dance hobbies, contemporary. I can remember dancing with Albie (who actually appears in this show!) for hours in Las Vegas when my heart was broken. There was always just something about sweating it out in the studio that somehow made my heart feel better. I can imagine how much hard work and drama will be shown inside Shaping Sound, and I'm excited to watch some of my friends on tv! I really hope that where some other "dance reality shows" try to pull out the crazy, that somehow Oxygen and Travis are able to give us an honest look at what the professional dance world is like, there is enough drama and heartbreak for 10 reality shows!
Where are my dancers at?
Will you guys be tuning in?
Watch All The Right Moves on Oxygen at 9/8c
While I was not sleeping in Italy I did some Facebook stalking. I was messaging with my 17th year old boyfriend who had found me on Facebook. It was certainly a blast from the past. He was impossibly cute and dumped me in the parking lot of my high school a few months before prom. I saw him once or twice after that, but had just kept up to date on him through Facebook. Turns out he moved to Africa and is now a doctor helping communities rebuild their social programs and basically being a saint. I always thought he might change the world. I'm pretty sure I will love him forever.... and that's the thing about love. All these seasons of your life pass by, and with those many different groups of people that you share an all-giving closeness to...and some of those people become last names you cannot remember in your photos and some of them, you will just always love.
I can look at some of my ex's and see that they have become quarter versions of what I hoped they would become. I have other friends that have gone on to exceed every expectation I could have ever had for them. It doesn’t matter if they become an addict or walk on the moon, someone who was careless with my heart, or a friend that snuck out with me when I was 15...you just always love them. Love is an energy that never goes away. That’s what’s so hard about it, you cannot turn it off.
I think you learn to love someone, and keep that love in the past, and it become this type of love you walking away from. It it’s that is doesn’t exist, you just point your own life, and your own heart in another direction. You get smarter at love, you learn it’s totally possible to love someone and completely hate them at the same time.
You learn that years can pass and you heart can break in a million ways, in life and in relationships and you will still be able to look about and remember that person fondly. Because, for some reason time feeds this sort of beautiful nostalgia, where even the most painful things become beautiful. We hold those memories inside perfect melancholy Counting Crows songs. There is a sort of beauty in remembering old pain. I’m not sure why, but there is.
Those things that hurt your heart become these really perfect puzzle pieces in your story. I can vividly remember having 17 year old boyfriend dump me, and never wanting that night and drive home to end because I knew that when I dropped him off at his house, that I would never have him in the front seat of my car ever again. But, look at how many amazing things have happened to me and my heart since that night. Now, I thank the universe for breaking my heart that night.
We want time to stop and for things to never change in love. People are always saying “I could just lay here forever” But, I am pretty glad that I have had the chance to reinvent my life and heart over and over again. I look back on the past 10 years since I first moved to NYC and how much life those years have held. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. So, do not be afraid of this story you are living, that heartbreak, all the what if’s- I promise you will end up where you need to when you need to.