Keltie Knight's Blog
I couldn’t move today. I got up and walked through my typical morning routine. My fiancées alarm clock goes off singing some mambo-slash animated song about not getting enough sleep, he wakes up and showers, and comes back into our room and kisses me on the cheek with his fresh morning wet hair and amazing old spice man smell. He get’s our dog and places her on the bed for 15 minutes of what Hobo and I call morning love, and then I roll out of bed and check my phone, and within the first 10 minutes of being awake, I am assaulted with hundreds of updates. Proof that the entire world works harder than I do, and that all of them are cooler than me. last nights party tweets, today’s record release and everyone cares about them and no one cares abut me.
The good thing about having no one care about you, and having a collection of part-time jobs that that mostly be done at home is that you get to make tea, eat toast and drag yourself to “work” without leaving you house. I wear pajamas to work, I never brush my hair, and the only time I shower is when I think I might have to leave my house, which is almost never.
I take my tea upstairs and sit in front of my computer and begin the process of trying to get my mind to create inspiration for others, when I myself, and totally un-inspired to do that. I’m supposed to be writing something, a book, a blog, a story, one hundred and forty characters that would change your life, none of it comes to me.
Today, unlike most days where I stumble into creating something somewhat worthy of your eyes, I have nothing. So, today I went outside and sat by a tree. The tree I am sitting beside isn’t even close to looking like a tree that will inspire you. It’s beside a parking garage on a busy street. There is some sun shining on the tree, and i know it is the favorite spot for the neighborhood animals to piss on their nightly walks. I don’t care. I can’t be inside. I have no where to go. The tree is my only option. If I go inside I will be forced to realize that I have nothing to write about, and since I have 2 friends in Los Angeles (one of them is at work and my future husband, and one has spent maybe 5 days in the last year with time in her life for friendship- both equally awesome and love-able. But not at 2 pm when I am sitting next to pisstree.)
When I sit under the tree I start to think about regrets. Every year it seems my list of regrets gets longer and longer. It’s like the smallest regrets somehow began compounding regretful interest and now I am about to implode myself with all of it.
I regret my life. Alot. When you are seven and 11 and 15 you think your parents did nothing with their lives, but you will never be like them. you think that because enough people told you that you were special, that somehow you might actually be special enough to be something, to be something different, but it’s humanly and evolutionary impossible to be something different because we are humans, we are dinosaurs we are stardust. We are on this planet to live and breed and die, and if we are special, or if we are not special, we will always be these things. I moved to NYC at 19 because I was never going to be normal. I didn’t want to be normal. I didn’t want to be what everyone else was. I didn’t go to school, the only resume credits I have on my work resume involve music videos, dancing like a slut, and a few timesteps, none of which help you in a career that you actually need a resume.
So here I am, different. I regret being different. I regret so deeply trying to change the entire path of human evolution and make something stay. I regret being so fiercely sure I could make this happen in my 20’s that I exhausted myself doing it, and I regret that now in my 30’s I am too tired to try anything else. My skill was being special. That’s only a skill that works on movies and storybooks. I would give everyone some hard tough love advice if they read to the bottom of the page. That would be. Don’t try to be special, don’t try to change the world, because the world will never change. The world will always be unfair and it won’t ever love you back the way you love it. Humans are evil, ego ruins the best possibilities and being special comes with an entire garbage bag of bullshit that you won’t want. Being rejected, being alone, being sad, being poor, being discouraged, being unloved, being insane.
The “special” people that you see, get to be that way because they have entire teams of people trying to make them special, so much so, that at some point along the road, they will convince themselves that they actually are better, more talented, and more special than everyone else. We will get to watch them be special, and rate our specialness next to theirs. We rate the value of human life is very weird ways these days. Followers, and hits, and #1’s. We seem to live in a culture that doesn’t want to rate humans on their global impact, the kindness in their hearts, or what a good mothers they are. We rate the value of our lives in cars, and brands and how shiny our hair is. We are a world obsessed with money and power, and mostly we are obsessed with being “special.”
I wish my mother had sat me down at 15 and said “you will always be special to us, but you will never be special to everyone.”
She told me I was special. I think she was wrong.
I made a new VLOG ! It's fun. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch it, and if you know a girl who needs this video send it to her. Maybe I can go...viral....or to the moon!
A few months ago my dancing friend Lacey Schwimmer asked if I would help her out and dance in the new music video for the It Boys! song 'Burning Up' that she was singing on. I was super excited to hang out with her and my friends DJ + Kelsey. Also featured in the video is Jeffree Star, who was rocking some amazing shoes.
Check out the video + our dance break at the end and tell me what you think!
ps. make sure to go to my facebook page under "Free Chapter" and sign up for my weekly motivational moonbeams!
I can remember standing at the barre in ballet school at 12 years old, preparing for my Royal Acedemy on Ballet exam. I can remember looking at myself in the mirror, in pink tights, black leotard and hating every single thing about myself.
This morning I woke up to a bunch of emails, from a project that I was trying to pull together, for no reason other than I thought it was cool. It was most likely someone else's job to work on, and I wasn't reeping any of the benefits of making it a success, so I guess I sort of hard to have a talk with myself about what matters, what i need to work hard on and what i don't.
It's a weird feeling when you have to stop being such a hard worker for everyone else, and just focus on yourself. I'm not good at it. But, I waste a ginormas amount of time that I would be petting Hobo doing things that are pointless.
So I made a list:
Things I should work hard on:
-my phyiscal health (going to the gym, yoga and ballet)
-writing things that inspire and change the world
-my on camera hosting technique
-building my readership
-calling my family everyday and making them feel closer than they are
-being a good friend, abandoning my feelings of jealousy + greed, and supporting my closest friends
-being a good woman for Swoon. Being kind, thoughtful and making sure he knows how special he is to me.
-walking Hobo more
-believing in my own power to love myself
-listening to more music.
Things I should not work hard on:
-making friends with people who do not like me.
-doing other peoples work for them.
-acting like I am more powerful than I am.
-making other people feel comfortable in their laziness
-making other peoples business's successful when the success is not mine, or noticed.
-giving other people awesome ideas
-proving my worth to others.
So here is your homework army, tonight you MUST comment below with your own list of things you will work hard on, and will not waste any more time on!
I'm excited to read what you write.
Ps. here is a video for you to watch.
An old HKHH post. Thought it was timeless.
I laid awake for hours last night.
I stared at the wall.
I was pretty sure that all my fears were going to eat me alive.
I could not breathe.
By morning I had devised a brilliant plan to run away from everything, go hide in some European country and drink tea all day, live alone, without any knowledge of the entire life and world I left behind.
I would base my success on if I brewed a good cup of tea.
I would base the strength of my heart on my ability to be strong enough say no to each Casanova that came into my sight.
I would do yoga everyday. Eat Vegetables. I would walk everywhere. I would listen to classical music only.
Because right now, I do none of those things. I base my success on everything I have yet to accomplish and instantly erase anything nice about myself. I hate my heart and the way it ticks. I never go to yoga. I eat peanut butter and cokes. I am not sure, on most days, if I even really like myself. I cannot fathom why YOU like me.
But, as promised to me by the universe, each dark night gives way to the sun shining through the window.
...and in the morning I woke up, and was face to face with a million reasons why I just cannot give up. The universe is like that isn't it? Just when you think you cannot go on, it gives you a reason to.
Sometimes there are gonna be days that test your will. I had one today.
Days when it seems like everything is just SO much harder than it needs to be.
Days when is seems like everyone else is skating on ice + you are trudging uphill (in both directions) through knee deep mud.
I wish I could tell you why we have to keep fighting the good fight.
I don't actually know.
I do know that if you let the world eat you alive. It will.
If you let the bad guys win. Then you lose.
Just remember, that nothing that is really yours can ever be taken from you.
Keep fighting fearless army.
I had a typical junior high school life. I was worried about boys and grades and if I would pass my ballet exams. I dyed my hair purple with Kool-Aid. I stuffed my bra. I did all of the things that normal teenagers go through. I wasn’t exactly a nerd. I wasn’t exactly popular. But, I was totally awkward.
I existed in a time before people made documentaries about “bullies” and before Anderson Cooper held television specials about it. All I knew, was that one my way to school people were throwing eggs at me, and I would have to either run home in the negative 40 degree weather to change, or try to wash the egg out of my hair in the bathroom at school before class. My haters also loved to use shaving cream, right on my head. The more you messed with it and tried to get it out, the more it would foam up. I never stayed at school those days. My mom was aware I was being picked on, and I can remember crying, running down the hallway at my house, wishing just wishing for people to like me.
I think all of us have a growing up battle scar, and so I won’t go on.
Instead, I wanted to talk about what happened to me today, last week and for the last 6 years since I began existing on the internet. It started on Myspace, people posting horrible mistruths about me. Twitter took over, where total strangers were allowed to use words like Cunt, Bitch and Whore to describe me. People randomly telling me I was worthless, stupid, and pathetic. Websites popped up where people would go to create images and stories about how horrible I was.
I was always in shock that a stranger could hate me so much that they would work all night to create the Ihatekeltiecolleen group on tumblr. I also wondered who the person was that spent all night photoshopping horses faces onto mine and posting those photos. (I'm aware i have a large forhead, you didn't need to do that.) Most of them were probably to young to understand how their words anonymously on the internet could affect my life. When employers would google me, it was the first thing they would see. I have lost out on jobs because the brands or companies couldn’t be connected to someone who had “that” reputation.
One that, I might add, I did nothing to get. I am not a cunt, bitch or a whore. People who have stories about when I was mean to them or said I hated a certain fan-base and liars. I've never said anything like that.
I’m not sure what is worse, having someone beat you to your face or behind it. But I do know that this has got to stop. I know the reasons that people hate other people because after all, I am a human. I feel those same jealousies, issues and emotions that all of us feel. I’ve wanted to pick on the big guy to make myself feel better. I’ve wanted to stomp on the small guy when someone was stomping on me.
When I graduated from high school a guy I went to school with and barely talked to (I think we sat beside each other in history) mailed a letter to my house. This guy was the target of most of my schools bullies. He was slightly overweight, awkward, and didn’t have a ton of friends. The letter he sent me I still have to this day. In it, he thanked me for always being nice to him even though I was “popular” (was I popular? I felt like a total outcast. I was definitely more popular than he was.) He thanked me for always looking him in the eye, and he told me that he knew I was going to go on and have an amazing life because I had such kindness in my heart.
So, instead of ragging on the bad guys, and calling out the bullies and saying what a shame is it that any of this has ever happened, I encourage you to be the better person.
You have the power to be that person who doesn’t get involved in picking on others, finds other ways to deal with all of the emotional garbage in life, and the one person who looks everyone (even if they are not “cool”) in the eyes. You could be the saving grace to someone’s really horrible day. You could be a safe place for someone who can barely walk down the hall. I assure you it is pretty easy, and somewhat fun, to kill people with kindness. Nothing drives a bully more insane then when you tell them how much you love their hair. I do it all the time. Be the better person.
For more information on how to help visit The Bully Project!